Rauðúlfr Trollskogen (bridge_troll) wrote,
Rauðúlfr Trollskogen
bridge_troll

What have I become?

I promised geekery and now I deliver geekery. It’s time brothers and sisters, it is time for a post which I like to call…Twenty-two wrestling games what I played, one I’ve yet to play and two which I aint’nt!
Featuring comments from actual WWE superstars and gallons of delicious buffoonery.
Even if you don’t like the pants-wearing grapple guys, there’s a whole bunch of pretty pictures and videos along with the wit and wisdom of your truly.
Yep, this is what I do when I have all the time in the world on my hands…



I’ve ordered the ultra-rare PS2 game (in Europe at least) Fire Pro Wrestling Returns from an Italian website which was fun and games to navigate. Fucking guineas. The game has been variously described as defiantly old-school and awesomely customisable and has me urinating in excitement already. I’ve realised that it’s time now to dive back into a genre of video game that’s been treading water for years.

More than that, it’s time for a run-down of wrestling games, it's time for...

TWENTY-TWO WRESTLING GAMES WHAT I PLAYED, ONE I’VE YET TO PLAY AND TWO WHICH I AINT’NT

Mat Mania – Arcade (1985)

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You gets the pinfall. Not YOU obviously, I mean You in the game. Oh forget it.

Released in 1985 and possibly the first ever wrestling game, though I haven’t played it, I include it for three reasons:

1.) The ring announcer at the start says "HELLO FOLKS. HERE WE HAVE TONIGHT SPECIAL EVENT............."YOU" VS................"INSANE WORRIER"
.............WELL, OKAY NOW? LET'S START!"

Insane worrier? Who was his tag-team partner? Anxious Lunatic?

2.) The game apparently featured a wrestler called ‘YOU’ which was the best that could be done in giving the player a ‘personalised’ wrestler long before games featured a Create-A-Wrestler mode as standard. Remarkably though, YOU would show up again in the NES game Wrestlemania Challenge with a very similar look. YOU’s real name in Mat Mania was supposed to be Dynamite Tommy, so he was most likely based on the real-life wrestler Dynamite Kid.

3.) An American Christian parents’ group tried to have the game banned as – during the animation for the reversal of a piledriver – one wrestler appeared to be orally pleasuring the other. This proves nothing other than Christian parents have really filthy minds.

Mr T says: “1985? That was the year that I headlined the very first Wrestlemania, sucker. Later on I would star in the hit TV Series Magnum PI as a talking car named Kit. Watchoo talkin ‘bout Willis?”

Pro Wrestling – NES (1986)

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Make up your own caption for this one.

The second game in this list that I haven’t played but I include it as an excuse to print some of Seanbaby’s comments, as well as a helpful hint from the Official Nintendo Player’s Guide 1987.
About Pro Wrestling Seanbaby has this to say:
“To become the champion, you have to fight every character about eight times. And if you lose a match, consider that another three hours you'll have to play to get back to where you were. However, when you finally do beat everyone, you are richly rewarded with this screen:

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If I could stand playing this game with the sound on, I bet there is some triumphant inspirational musical scores that accompany this picture. But it would be pretty hard to get better than the game's normal theme music which consisted of about 5 notes repeated over and over.”

And the Official Nintendo Player’s Guide 1987 offers this top tip:
“"Uh-oh! You've used the Brainbuster at the very beginning of the match. Although you try to lift your opponent up, you just can't. When it begins to look like you are failing in your effort, you suddenly find that you are being lifted up by your opponent instead! So, you end up being downed, in spite of all your efforts. Brainbuster really works!"

Yes. Brainbuster really works.

The Ultimate Warrior says: “I invented my own wrestling video-game which could be played on any household appliance such as a TV, toaster or chair. It was a wrestling game called Ultimate Warrior’s right-wing road to Wrestlemania. In the game the player took the role of a little boy taking a road trip with me, the Ultimate Warrior with our eventual destination being Wrestlemania VI. The aim of the game was to hit the buttons as fast as you could in order for me to spew right-wing and homophobic rhetoric. The homophobic rhetoric of the Ultimate Warriooooooor!”

Tecmo World Wrestling – NES (1990)



I already lauded this one in my still-incomplete Greatest Games Of All Time and because I’m basically lazy, I’ll repeat what I wrote there:

“The stream of greatness didn’t end there though as TWW also featured close-up replays (actually standard cut-scenes) whenever your character performed one of his signature moves. Every wrestling game up to then (and for a long time after) suffered from a severely limited moveset which was completely inexcusable when you consider that each character in TWW had 23 moves apiece which should technically be impossible when you consider that the NES joypad only had two buttons.
Tecmo got around this by changing the moves which your character could perform when he got down to 50% health or less, meaning that your opponent would get more dangerous the more that you wore him down…Hulk Hogan style! The makers of the game were clearly wrestling aficionados too, as they’d crammed it with lots of technical (and properly named holds) and fun of the most brutal kind imaginable to a twelve year-old.
Hurl your opponent over the top rope with a Gorilla Press? No problem.
Elbow drop him from the top turnbuckle to the outside? No problem.
Scoop him up and pile-drive him onto the concrete? No problem.
Dance around his corpse while urinating and singing “Carry on my wayward son”? No problem (as long as your imagination was as vivid as mine was).

But wait, it doesn’t have to be:

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To that I can only add that the game was a genuine triumph of gameplay over presentation and is most definitely the first game to cater for hardcore fans. It would be seven years and the release of WCW vs The World before anything else would match up. The only major flaw to TWW was that the gameplay relied on button-bashing to execute moves which meant that actual skill was never quite as important as just being able to tap the buttons as fast as you physically could.

Nikolai Volkoff says “In mother Russia, video game play YOU. Also currency of poor value and queue for bread many times long. Also serial killers.”

WWF Wrestlemania Challenge – NES (1990)

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The graphics of this game were considered to be poor even then.

It’s a testament to how WWF mental I was when I bought this that I thought it at least the equal to Tecmo World Wrestling despite the whole game was fairly woeful. Still, it did at least see the return to the wrestling world of…YOU. Tiny sprites, an impoverished moveset and a good many bugs were just a few of the game’s flaws and if it hadn’t have been for the official licence, it would have had very little going for it at all.
There were a few nice touches such as each wrestler’s entrance music playing while they were in the ring, featuring a particularly good rendition of Rick Rude’s theme and a surprisingly good one for Andre which was composed just for the game (in reality Andre never had entrance music). It was also impossible for the smaller wrestlers to suplex Andre or The Big Boss Man due to their size, although somewhat inconsistently the Ultimate Warrior could press Andre over his head and throw him clean out of the ring which was irksome as once thrown out – it was impossible for Andre to get back in for some reason.
Glitches include horrendous slowdown, wrestlers occasionally walking through the ropes and hovering above the crowd and getting counted while still in the ring. Gah!
Still, as an early WWF licence it was competent enough and exhibited the decent presentation but poor execution that would characterise the games for years to come.

Dino Bravo says: “How come I wasn’t featured in this game? I was a big star back then. Luckily I don’t really care about it on account that I’m dead.”

WWF Wrestlefest – Arcade (1991)

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Excellent graphics and presentation made Wrestlefest a hit.

Back in the day I remember some of the other kids at school going quite mental about this and its easy to see why. The graphics were great for their time, as was the satisfyingly crunchy sound even if the music was interminable. I wasn’t particularly impressed at the time as I was still hankering for something as involved as Tecmo World Wrestling and this gave up too many concessions to being an arcade game for me to really enjoy it.

Mr Perfect says: “…and that’s perfect. Do I get paid now?”

WWF European Rampage Tour – Amiga (1992)

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Rubbish.

Although I have played this, the only thing that I can recall about it is that it was rubbish. It also featured Sean Mooney which makes it even more rubbish.

Lord Alfred Says: “I worked alongside Sean Mooney for many years and let me tell you that he was absolutely ghastly. He was obsessed with the Fonz and would talk about him constantly. When off-camera he was all ‘the Fonz says this’ and ‘the Fonz did that’ and what’s more he gave off an unbearable smell of egg. Thank goodness I’m dead and I don’t have to listen to it anymore.”

Super Wrestlemania – SNES/Mega Drive (1992)

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Precisely as dull as it looks.

A mere two years later and Sculptured Software created a wrestling game that couldn’t have been more different from its NES predecessor in terms of gameplay and presentation. Featuring digitised images of the wrestlers on the character select screen, note-perfect wrestler’s theme tunes (on the SNES at least) and huge in-game sprites this was (perhaps unfortunately) the template used for every single WWF game released on this generation of consoles.
There was a growing feeling at the time among SNES owners that when a game was released on both the SNES and Mega Drive, the later version would have extra gameplay features. In reality it was horses for courses; games released later on the Mega Drive would have more features but would be inferior in terms of graphics and sound so it all depended what your priorities were.
The Mega Drive version, though clearly inferior had the three elements which fans really cared about: A Championship mode, finishing moves and the Ultimate Warrior. Most importantly for me, I could perform The Million Dollar Man’s finishing move (The Million Dollar Dream) but my mate couldn’t even though it was his game. In your Face Alex Smith, who’s laughing now?

The best aspect of the game was probably the animation of the wrestlers when they ran because in almost all other ways it sucked. All of the wrestlers played identically and all had the same moves.

IRS says: “I didn’t have entrance music so for the Sega Mega Drive game they invented some music for me. It was the music of the sound of paper rustling music. That was a really fantastic idea. I would say that though because I have a completely inverted sense of what’s right and wrong, good and bad.”

Saturday Night Slam Masters – SNES/Mega Drive (1993)



Capcom presented their own wrestling game in 1993 with surprising results as this was clearly the best wrestling game of this generation. Great character design and solid presentation were complimented by Capcom’s attention to what it was wrestling fans really wanted to see; so there were wrestlers in the Puroresu, Lucha Libre and American Pro styles, along with a few brawlers and the obligatory giant and obese guy. Capcom even threw their own Mike Hagger from the Final Fight series into the mix along with a variety of weapons such as chairs, tables and glass bottles.
Rather than the plodding nature of most wrestling games, Saturday Night Slam Masters was fast-paced and actually felt more like a roaming beat ‘em up to play, though at it’s heart was a solid button-bashing wrestling game.
Wrestling game fans up until then had been used to games where there wasn’t a great deal of difference between each wrestler, but here differences were wildly exaggerated. Mexican ‘El Stringray’ barely came up to other wrestlers chest’s while ‘Titanic Tim’ looked about fourteen feet tall. The only shame is that ‘Alexander The Grater’ would have been better off with his Japanese name of ‘Sheep The Royal’. Capcom continued the series with a minor Japanese-only update and a sequel which was standard 2D beat ‘em up, which proves that while Capcom are full of good ideas, they also have a commitment to crapping all over them before too long.

Bad News Brown says: “I don’t know anything about video games, but I do know a lot about this fantastic selection of Power Ballads available from Time Life Music. You pay only £2.99 for the first CD and then only £9.99 for every other disc which we’ll send you once a month. If you wish to cancel your order for this great collection, you can do so at any time and we’ll refund you in full. Either way, we’re still happy for you to keep the first CD. There are twelve discs in the set which feature such classics as ‘It Must Have Been Love’, ‘Take These Broken Wings’ and the Napalm Death classic ‘Multinational Corporations’.
If you don’t wish to take advantage of this amazing offer, I couldn’t care less as I’m reasonably sure that I’m dead.”

WWF Royal Rumble – SNES/Mega Drive (1993)

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Come on guys, do something.

So similar to it’s predecessor and the sequel that it isn’t really worth mentioning.

Todd Pettengill says: “Remember my stupid face popping up every week on the ‘Mania’ TV show? Ha ha, I bet you had a street party the day I left. Cold…so very cold now…Why is life so hollow?”

WWF Raw – SNES/Mega Drive/32x/Game Boy/Game Gear (1994)

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The best officially licensed wrestling game of its generation which isn’t saying much.

Significant improvements had been made to this series since Super Wrestlemania. Each wrestler had more moves, there were more match modes, weapons at ringside and the ability to knock the referee out in order to prevent him from counting a pinfall or preventing ‘illegal’ moves.
Although these were all massive advances, the game engine was still quite flawed. The Royal Rumble mode – though allowing six wrestlers to be on screen at one time – was quite basic, though in the game’s defence this type of match is never done particularly well in video games. There was also the inclusion of ‘Mega Moves’ which were utterly ridiculous, such as Owen Hart being able to clear the ring by spinning around like a top and bouncing from rope to rope. Wrestling games always work better when they’re trying to simulate wrestling, rather than just being fighting games which happen to include a few wrestling moves. Unfortunately the ‘Mega Moves’ were a step towards the latter.
In addition there were some glaring problems with some of the finishing moves, such as it being impossible to actually pin another wrestler using the Perfectplex or being able to make your opponent submit using the Sharpshooter. The other inherent problem was that this still used the ‘button-basher’ approach in which grapples were won by the player who had the fastest fingers and strongest wrist (oo-er). At the end of one memorable Royal Rumble I once engaged in a fifteen uninterrupted minutes of button-bashing in an attempt to hurl my mate Nick’s wrestler out of the ring. I eventually won the contest but the next day my hand was so weak that I couldn’t even make a fist.

Lex Luger says: “My wrists are like iron. This is because I’m a compulsive masturbator.”

WWF Wrestlemania: The Arcade Game – Arcade/Mega Drive/SNES/PlayStation/Saturn/PC/32X (1995)

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Hideous.

Acclaim had the rights to develop WWF games in 1995 and what would follow would be stink-up after stink-up. Thanks a bunch Acclaim.
In an attempt to take a more Mortal Kombat style approach to wrestling, this does in fact play more like the spiritual successor to the abysmal Pit Fighter. Not the worst wrestling game of all time, but pretty near the bottom, there was something faintly ludicrous about the whole concept. Considering how much professional wrestling has to do with real fighting, it wouldn’t have made much less sense to make a beat ‘em up based on Seinfeld although that might have been a better idea actually as I can really picture George Costanza flying across the screen in the style of E.Honda’s Sumo Torpedo.
While Wrestlemania: The Arcade does feature a smattering of wrestling moves, the emphasis was on magical special moves such as Razor Ramon’s arm actually turning into a giant razor blade and Undertaker wielding a tombstone. Also, for some inexplicable reason, Yokozuna bled chunks of ham when he was hit.
Incredibly this is both a poor wrestling game and a poor fighting game.

Kamala says: “Thanks to my appearances as Kamala the Ugandan giant, I set the cause of racial equality in the USA back by twenty years!”

WWF In Your House – Saturn/Playstation/PC (1996)

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Ghastly.

The direct sequel to WWF Wrestlemania: The Arcade Game. In your bin would have been a better place for it.

The Ultimate Warrior says: “In the WWF I was famous for my ‘stiff’ wrestling style in which I’d genuinely strike my opponents as hard as I physically good. Some people say that I did this in order to make my character more convincing as an out-of-control wildman. The real reason of course is that I was a clueless moron, hee hee.”

WWF War Zone – N64/Playstation/Game Boy (1998)

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This game certainly looks far better when it isn’t moving.

Acclaim worked their magic again in what was both a bold leap forward and a crushing disappointment at one and the same time. Featuring motion-captured wrestlers, full (but somewhat anaemic) entrances and an extensive Create-A-Wrestler Mode, War Zone was only let down by the trifling issue of poor gameplay. Small movesets, suspect collision detection and wrestlers which moved as if they had a pole shoved up their backsides was annoying but not moreso than the hideously repetitive commentary and laughable samples.
While the Create-A-Wrestler was fun initially, or at least until you’d made yourself, an obligatory mish-mash of freaks and Hitler, it couldn’t save this from being a very different but poor game.

Goldust says: “Acclaim asked me into their studio to help them with some motion capture stuff. They stuck all these ping-pong ball things to me, set their camera rolling and asked me if I could demonstrate every move in my repertoire on a mannequin. After ten minutes they left but asked me to continue as the camera was still rolling. After three hours they had not returned and I was exhausted from slamming, stretching and pounding the mannequin. It was only then that I discovered that there was no film in the camera. I went outside and found that I was actually in a furniture warehouse, not Acclaim studios at all. Also the ‘mannequin’ was actually the corpse of a tramp. Then I woke up to find that it had all been a dream. A wonderful, wonderful dream.”

WCW vs The World – Playstation (1997)


The beginning of a new era.

I present this game out of chronological order because I bought it after WWF War Zone, only doing so then because it was budget-priced and I was pretty much desperate for anything different to the slew of crap wrestling games that I’d been playing for years.
The AKI Corporation’s first wrestling game was limited to one-on-one matches only with drab presentation and painfully slow gameplay, this was practically the polar opposite to the way that other wrestling games had evolved which is precisely why this was better than any of them. Originally released as Virtual Pro Wrestling, the game featured only a handful of WCW wrestlers, the vast majority of the considerable roster being wrestlers popular in Japan, albeit with different names to avoid copyright infringement.
Aside from grappling strategy being based around careful timing rather than button-bashing, this was also the first wrestling game I ever played that didn’t feature an on-screen ‘health bar’. Instead, each wrestler had a Spirit Gauge which slowly built up during the match, allowing the wrestler to perform his finishing move when the gauge was at maximum. The absence of a health bar was revelatory as you never knew exactly when your opponent was weak enough to be pinned, or whether your own character was in danger.
Despite the poverty of features and different match modes, at that point it was clearly the best wrestling game I’d ever played.

Road Dogg says: “I wasn’t in this game but if I had been I would definitely have been the best character. Fo’ shizzle mah nizzles, y’hear?”

WCW vs NWO World Tour – N64 (1997)

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Hogan vs a Ninja. Who will survive?

AKI’s second wrestling game was another huge leap forward with an innovative grappling system which built on the best elements from their previous game. More than ever, winning became a matter of pure skill and this was the first in a number of AKI’s N64 wrestling games which only ever got better. A lack of features and dull presentation aside, this game is also notable for featuring a tournament and league mode which were sadly absent from subsequent releases.

Road Warrior Hawk says: “I couldn’t make head nor tail of this game, the controls were just too fiddly so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for Diddy Kong Racing which was much better. I can honestly say that all the finest moments of my life have been accompanied by a little monkey in a hovercraft. I don’t suppose it really matters now, what with me being dead and all. Urrrrrgh what a rush!”

WCW/NWO Revenge – N64 (1997)

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Hollywood Hogan in the last great WCW game.

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it and so rather than fiddle around too much with the game mechanics, AKI just made direct improvements to aspects that were clearly lacking in the previous game. More moves, wrestler entrances, managers, PPV arenas and an expanded roster of WCW wrestlers were all worthwhile additions though it’s a crying shame that the ‘league’ mode from the previous game has been removed. Major problems with the game revolved around speed. Revenge was painfully slow and so matches tended to resemble something from ITVs World Of Sport wrestling rather than the faster-paced American style. Technical limitations aside though, this was a title which compensated for the lack of flash with plenty of dash and was generally considered to be the best wrestling game in the world at that time.

‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage says: “Ooh Yeah! My wrestling career began the day I saw a stray cat fighting with a duck in the park. They were battling this way and that until suddenly something wonderful happened, yeah. The cat has holding down the duck and began to make love to it, sweet sweet love. That combination of savagery and sexuality not only inspired my wrestling pseudonym but also showed me how fighting and loving could be one and the same thing, yeah. This is also why I used to regularly beat my wife, dig it!”

WWF Attitude - N64/Playstation/Game Boy/Dreamcast (1999)

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Austin goes for a collar and elbow tie-up.

A marked improvement in almost every way over the War Zone but still not enough of one to recommend this game. The Create-A-Wrestler feature was dramatically expanded and there was also an excellent Create-An-Arena mode which has been sadly lacking from almost all other subsequent wrestling titles.

Giant Gonzalez says: “I’d been begging Vince McMahon for months to let me join the WWF until one day he agreed to see me. He sat behind his desk and – smirking – he said that I could join but I would not be allowed to wrestle either clothed or nude and then he burst out laughing. I went home that night and thought hard about what Vince had said and that’s how I came up with the weird painted-on-muscles-nude-but-not-quite bodysuit that I’m famous for. Vince took one look at me and said that it was the best thing he’d ever seen and that he was definitely going to put me in Wrestlemania IX. The rest is history.”

WWF Wrestlemania 2000 – N64/Game Boy Color (2000)

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Undertaker kills Val Venis. Er…hooray!

My friend Stewart was as much of a fan of AKI’s wrestling games as I was and often we’d fantasise about them getting the WWF licence as we both preferred that to WCW. Like many gaming fantasies which make perfect sense, this came to pass and so it was with great excitement that we anticipated the release of Wrestlemania 2000. Perhaps with a little too excitement as Stewart found himself unable to work or sleep for thinking of this game and declared that he would kill himself if the release date slipped. The date did inevitably slip by one week and Stewart didn’t kill himself although he wasn’t very happy.
Similar to Revenge this was just the previous game with a few new additions, though fantastic additions they were with a decent Create-A-Wrestler mode and a lengthy story mode. Using the CAW feature I made such a great version of The Misfits that my friend Lyndon copied them to his own memory card. It should be pointed out that I am a CAW-maniac and have not played a wrestling game yet which I didn’t fill up every save-game slot with my own creations.

Bret ‘Hitman’ Hart says: “People used to accuse me of being a bland character but what they don’t realise is that many of my suggestions to Vince McMahon were ignored. I once asked if I could wear a cat on each foot to carry me to the ring to the theme tune from ‘Cagney & Lacey’ but that was shot down. I also suggested that I change my name to Powermaster X14 and come to the ring on a jet-pack but Vince didn’t like that one either. Then there was the time that I suggested that Papa Shango put a curse on me that made me vomit pea soup while black oil spurted out of my hair and boots. Vince said that only a complete idiot would run that storyline…”

The WWF/WWE Smackdown series – PS1/PS2/PSP/PS3/XBOX 360/Wii/DS (2000-???)


The latest incarnation of the world’s most popular wrestling game series

I lump these many, many games under one heading because after playing many of them I’ve found that improvements have only ever been incremental and have always taken a ‘two steps forwards, one step back’ approach. They’re at once slickly presented and beautifully realised while also being shallow, frustrating and utilising a system of gameplay that has been deeply flawed since day one.
With THQ as publisher many people were expecting this to be a continuation of AKI’s N64 series of WWF games but instead these played a lot more like Acclaim’s sorry efforts. The first game in the series, simply titled WWF Smackdown! was a huge leap from WWF Warzone in terms of presentation, speed and ease of gameplay though it played a little more like a 3D fighting game than a wrestling game, with wrestlers popping up almost immediately from every move, even finishers. Presumably this was to keep matches fast-paced and flowing but it seemed like wrestling games were once again moving further away from being simulations.
WWF Smackdown 2: Know Your Role offered more of the same with a few extras here and there. Unfortunately the wrestlers still moved oddly and collision detection remained as suspect as it was in the first game. WWF Smackdown: Just Bring It on the PS2 was a massive graphical leap but the same old problems remained and remain – in part – to this day. The series has been so successful that developer Yukes seem unwilling to tinker too much. Some games in the series have had excellent story modes only for the next game’s story mode to be awful and basic issues with ladder, table and cage matches have never been addressed. The CAW mode, while extensive, has become unwieldy so that it takes around three hours to create a wrestler who really looks and plays like you’d want him to. The presentation of these games is always flawless but Yukes need to abandon the current game engine entirely if they’re going to re-engage with hardcore fans, though I suppose that hardcore fans are hardly their main priority.

The Ultimate Warrior says: “I made myself (circa 1990 when I was still jacked up to the eyeballs on steroids) in this game though I was disappointed that there was no way that I could alter my character’s political affiliation or levels of homophobia. Queering don’t make the world work.”

WWF No Mercy – N64 (2000)


As good as it gets?

As the proposed sequel to this - WWF Backlashterrible</i>. What AKI added was a much-improved and expanded CAW mode, new match types such as a decently-realised ladder match and a diverse story mode. One amusing aspect of the story-mode concerns the last-minute removal of headliner The Big Show from the game and his replacement with boring mid-carder Steven Richards. This meant that while the original story-mode featured the player being continually menaced by the 7’4 Big Show, the version that was released had the player harassed by the distinctly non-scary Steven Richards.
The CAW mode in this game was so good that I hardly ever played using the original wrestlers, choosing my own creations instead which led to some bizarre matches seeing as much of my inspiration came from people I know, people from adverts, serial killers and the managers of my local Asda/Wal-Mart and Boots Chemist respectively.
As with every game in this series, emphasis was on strategy and timing rather than frenzied brawling meaning that every match became a test of skill. Wrestling games still have a way to go; steel cage matches, ladder matches and table matches always seem flawed in every game I play, but No Mercy still stands head and shoulders above the rest.

The Mountie says: “I’m the Mountie and I always get my man but not in a gay way, no sir! I used to play this game all the time with Jimmy Hart and every time I beat him I’d hit him with 20,000 volts from my cattle-prod, ha ha! Once he had a fit and passed out so I stripped him naked and took a few photographs. Next thing I knew I was on the Canadian border in a lady’s dress holding a cardboard sign which read ‘Mon milk-shake est meilleur que le vôtre’ and…Lord no...it’s happening again…here comes the...king of...bees!”

Fire Pro Wrestling Returns – PS2 (2008)

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A return to glorious 2D complete with barbed wire, sledgehammers and explosives.

Hopefully this is winging its way to me even as I yelp. The potential to edit and create a total of 827 wrestlers, nearly 1,700 moves to choose from in the CAW mode, match types such as a Steel Cage Of Death, Electrified Barbed Wire Match and Light-tubes and Barbed Wire Boards Exploding Landmine Death Match…mmm.

Hulk Hogan says: “I had a deathmatch once with my dog Mister Timmins. We were feuding because he wouldn’t follow the three demandments of saying his prayers, taking his vitamins and not going whoopsy on the carpet. It was an exploding cage of serrated spoons-coated-in-vinegar deathmatch and if anyone else had been present they would have instantly declared it a classic. He finally put me down for the 1-2-3 after hitting me with The Wag Of Doom™. Whatcha gonna do brother? Whatcha gonna do when Timmins-mania runs wild on you?!”

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