Those we kill will get up and kill...

Just completed the single-player campaign on Black Ops and yes, it was a truly great game. Also, I took the plunge and ordered Dead Island, although what with an impending holiday and other responsibilities it looks like I won't get to play it until Tuesday. God-damn!

Following  a self-imposed fast, I've been gaming like a motherfucker.

We should pause here to consider why the standard simile for enthusiastically persuing an activity is "like a motherfucker". I suppose we can only assume that to address someone as a "motherfucker" is not only to infer that they're engaged in an incestuous relationship with their mater familias but also that they are doing so with great fervour and wild abandon.

I digress.

STUFF WHAT I HAVE BEEN PLAYING

Batman: Arkham Asylum

In which everyone's favourite cosplay fascist bastard finds himself up against the combined might of the Asylum's inmates after the Joker so generously releases them all from captivity. If you've read the online review of this one, you'd be forgiven for thinking that this is nothing less than the holy grail of gaming. Certainly the presentation is great and the voice-acting flawless and even the story - the mass Asylum escape being a pretty standard trope in the comics - is well realised. It's hardly surprising that the usual suspects of IGN, Gamespot etc went nuts over this game because reviewers seem to place greater emphasis on story, characterisation and atmosphere than ever before. As a somewhat long-in-the-tooth gamer I tend to find it rather odd as I never recall anyone running down Monty Mole for being 1-dimensional.


Monty Mole: Yeah, but what's his motivation?

Once you get past all the visual guff and the story, the game is pretty solid and is in some ways a Batman simulator. By the time you get all of the Dark Knight's gadgets you'll be chucking Batarangs, shooting ziplines and swinging around like Tarzan with a fetish for skintight black rubber. You'll do this a lot by the way. In fact you'll pretty much be doing the same thing over and over and over again.

Yep, in Batman you'll:

Fight a musclebound boss who does a charging attack
Fight a musclebound boss who does a charging attack, except that this time it's Bane
Fight a musclebound boss who does a charging attack, while fighting a bunch of normal guys
Fight a musclebound boss who does a charging attack, except this time there's two of them
Fight a musclebound boss who does a charging attack, except this time you're also hallucinating
Fight a musclebound boss who does a charging attack, while fighting loads and loads of normal guys

You'll also:

Take out a bunch of guys using stealth attacks
Take out a bunch of guys using stealth attacks except now they've got guns
Take out a bunch of guys using stealth attacks except you can't use gargoyles for cover
Take out a bunch of guys using stealth attacks except now they've got alarmed collars which attract others
Take out a bunch of guys using stealth attacks approximately forty more times

Needless to say, I didn't end up finishing Batman: Arkham Asylum because if I wanted a life of soul-destroying repetition I'd go back to working in Telesales.

Fist of the North Star: Ken's Rage

This is a good game to compare to Bat's latest outing because like that game, FotNS:KR is a beautifully presented game based on a comic which features repetetive fights and bosses. There are however a key difference: rather than being constrained by the genre of roaming fighting games and rather than being constrained by the source material, developers KOEI have consistently tried to give the player more.
For those unaquainted with the source material, FotNS is (as one reviewer put it) a cross between Mad Max and He-Man. In a post-apocalyptic world a young martial-arts expert named Kenshiro fights against injustice wherever he encounters it. In this case 'injustice' consists of ludicrous mutant giants, a bunch of guys who are clearly our of their fucking trees and other fighters who's styles have exotic names like Nanto Suichoken and Nanton Seiken (Ken himself practises Hokuto Shinken).
The end product is nothing less than a love-letter to fans of the Anime and Manga. The generous cast of characters includes Ken, Rei, Toki, Mamiya, Raoh, Shin, Thouzer, Jagi, Heart and a generic but fun 'Outlaw' character, about half of which have their own 'Story' modes in addition to a 'Dream' mode which plays very much like KOEI's Dynasty Warriors series. It's the Dream Mode where it becomes clear just how much work has gone into fan-service as each character is presented with a vision of the future where they've taken a different path in life.
So (and this is where I lose just about everyone reading this), we get to see a future where Ken passed the mantle of successor to Toki, Raoh joined the rest of the Hokuto brothers against the Nanto, Shin turns against Thouzer, Jagi avoids a confrontation with Ken and becomes a hero in his own right and so on. Jagi's tale (aided and abetted by Amiba) is played purely for laughs and it's here where the writing really comes to the fore. As Amiba enthuses over collecting more warriors for his experiments, Jagi enquires "Just what is it with you and musclebound guys anyway?"

FotNS:KR came out a while ago so you may wonder why I'm still banging on about it. Well, that's because I'm still playing it! I'm not generally a completist but I'm determined to do everything which can be done on the game. The involves playing through with every character on all three difficulty levels and completing the Challenge mode and levelling every character up to the max. Thus far I'm up to 84 hours playing time.

Forza 3

Another oldie that I've turned my attention to. I'm not usually a fan of these strokey-beard racing games but this is probably the best I've played. I'm not sure I play them in the correct spirit though. I don't get as excited about buying a Bugati as I do about turbo-charging a Datsun.

Call Of Duty: Black Ops

Just got this one in the post yesterday and I'm still not sure whether to be impressed or not. Certainly the format of the game is quite clever, with the playable sections being the reminisces of a Black Ops soldier undergoing torture. Thusly, the story doesn't have to evolve in-game but rather through seperate exposition. This means that instead of plodding from area to area a la just about every other first-person shooter, you get thrown in at the business end of a variety of Cold War conflicts. Thus far I've attempted to assasinate Castro during the Bay Of Pigs fiasco, broken out of a Russian POW camp, engaged in all manner of mischief in Vietnam, battled a team of assassins on the rooftops of Hong Kong and even played as a Russian special ops guy fighting against Nazis.
I've always avoided the COD games for their reliance on multiplayer as their selling point over a decent single-player campaign. This gives service in every area though with generous single player, local multiplayer, 'zombie' mode and an entire COD take on Smash TV in the Dead Ops Arcade bonus game.

What I'm still not sure about is the utterly relentless nature of the game. Every section of the game is a chaotic, delrious firefight from beginning to end. From the get-go you move and shoot and move and shoot and die and restart and move and shoot while helicopters explode, buildings collapse and every last drop is wrung out of the horrors of war. It certainly feels realistic and it certainly gets the adrenaline going but it doesn't leave much opportunity to stop and smell the roses, with the exception of a short but obligatory stealth bit in Vietnam.

I'm pretty sure I like it, but it's not exactly a stress-reliever.

THE WISH LIST

Warriors: Legends Of Troy

The spiritual sequel to FotNS:KR which I haven't played simply because I'm still playing the latter game. Looks mightily good, Dynasty Warriors meets Fist meets ancient Greece with gallons of gore.

Tropico 4

Looks a hell of a lot like Tropico 3 which was a hell of a lot like Tropico 2 but 'm such a fanboy that I'll probably get it anyway, although not at full price.

Dead Island

Slightly mixed reviews for this one so I'm 50/50 on whether to get it or not. Again, marked down due to poor voice-acting and story but let's be realistic: This is effectively going to be Zombie Flesheaters in as much as the Dead Rising series is Dawn Of The Dead. Anyone expecting Citizen Kane is probably missing the point.

Ultimate Marvel vs Capcom 3

Is this really the last version, Capcom? Really really? Well okay,,,

Earth Defence Force: Insect Armageddon

What is it with colons in the titles of games these days? Oh well, I'm very tempted by this latest installmwnt in gaming's most brainless franchise even if the last one was such a colossal disappointment.

Mortal Kombat

With the solitary exception of MK3, I've loved every iteration of this series and I even buy into the whole back-story which Ed Boon or whoever has been foisting on an indifferent public for the past twenty years.

Red Faction Armageddon

Christ, I'm never going to get through all these am I?

LA Noire

Probably get around to purchasing this sometime prior to the release of the Xbox 720.

Mass Effect 2

And this one in the space year 2038.

DREAM MODE

Siege Of The Dead

And I'm still waiting for the best game in the world which doesn't actually exist. Dead Rising was the first game to take a step in the right direction, in that it trapped the player in a single (albeit large) location and tasked you with escorting survivors to a 'safe house'. The zombies weren't actually the device by which the plot was driven along, they were presented more as a massive inconvenience to be avoided or turned into so many steaming meatpiles. Unfortunately, everything else about the game sucked. For the most part rescuing people didn't actually matter and was something best ignored seeing as how the 'humans' of Dead Rising are possessed of the worst A.I seen in two entire generations of gaming. Possibly more. Add to that the ludicrous difficulty of certain bosses, the insane difficulty of the last 'extra' portion of the game and the time-dependent nature of your actions which made the gameplay rather linear and it was a case of one step forward, several hundred back.

What I want is an open-world game, similar to GTA in which Zombies are gradually infesting the city. The purpose of the game would be to rescue survivors and barricade locations. The safe-houses would start off small and gradually grow larger as the game progresses. Survivors would have tangible, usable skills and barricading would involve using whatever comes to hand, or travelling to other locations for supplies and materials. Starting off in a cabin in the woods, you'd need other people just to keep watch when you need to sleep. When the cabin gets overrun, you'd move to a larger location with its own peculiar strengths and weaknesses, right up to the culmination of the game in a shopping mall or similar.

Barricading and survival is something which is creeping in to modern zombie games. Dead Block, COD: Black Ops, Resident Evil 4 and any number of Flash games (usually Turned Based Strategy or Tower Defence) all have these elements but as yet there's no a single game I'm aware of which effectively replicates a zombie siege. Strange really when you consider that most Of George A Romero's movies have been about just that.

So here's to high hopes for Dead Island and for Dead Rising 3.

So here's what happened: like everyone else on your friends list I decamped to Facebook which is far preferable to blogging. After all, why compose a lengthy and deeply considered diatribe on the nature of whatever-the-fuck when you can tell the 7,482 people on your Facebook that you've just had an egg sandwich?

But you know what, Facebook just isn't as much fun as it used to be and here's why:

FINDING OUT THAT YOUR FRIENDS ARE INSANE

When I first joined FB, I quickly discovered that an awful lot of people I went to school with have turned out to literally be the worst people in the entire world. You can't judge a book by its cover but you can definitely judge a person when they almost exclusively join groups for people who like to fight at football matches and like to fight racial minorities at all other times. This was such a regular occurence  that I'm surprised that the greetings card industry didn't cash in with an entire range of "Congratulations! You Turned Out To Be A Racist Fucking Cunt!" cards.
Sadly, none of these people had much staying power and within a few months they'd all exhausted their repetoire of racial epithets and had got bored of arguing with other barely literal idiots on groups devoted to 'The Baggies' whatever they might be.

Having said that, the recent riots did bring out the right-wing fuckwit in just about everyone, including people who are usually quite reasonable and have probably never before typed words such as "rubber bullets", "water cannons" and "Hanging's too good for 'em". Who'd have thought that so many people would get so obviously sexually aroused at the thought of soldiers brutalising fourteen year-olds?

GRIEF ATHLETES/PAEDO BASHERS

There doesn't seem to be the mass joining of certain groups anymore. You know the ones; either the "Oh NOES! God bless you Baby P, you are in heaven now with Mike Yarwood and Fred West!" and ones devoted to sex-pests and murderers where people get the chance to get all batey while writing things like "I can't believe how sick these people are. I want to gouge out their eyes with lollipop sticks, then insert them back into their rectums while fourteen rabid marmots chew their balls and the backs of their knees".
Even when groups like that do pop up now, they tend not to be public because people like me used to troll them.

CO-WORKERS UNGUARDEDLY POSTING THEIR SAUCY HOLIDAY PICTURES

Now I actually have to use my imagination...

And that's it to be honest. All FB is good for these days is charting which of your friends is going through a public nervous breakdown. Also: recording how many people de-friend you when you post something like "I just had four wanksover that picture of bald Gail Porter in today's edition of The Metro. Heil Hitler!"

So in conclusion - Facebook: It was sort of funny for a bit when everyone on there was mental but now it's shit. Heil Hitler.

So what the fuck's new with you?

I'm going to have one last shot at this blogging thing. If it sticks, it sticks, If it doesn't then I'll just confine my creative output to bursts of inanity on facebook. Alternately, I've been toying with the idea of a video blog. Making it proper interesting, like a v-blog version of Cracked.com or something.

Looking back on some old entries today. I used to be a funny motherfucker, huh?

Anyway. Hail Satan and all that jazz.

It's true. I'm not dead.

Just thought I'd let you know, you little minx.

I moved house.

Yes, after months of journally non-activity I have big newsy news. I moved house. At last. After 32 years dwelling in the squalid environs of Tipton I now live in the marginally less squalid environs of Dudley. If you don't know Dudley, it's pretty much like any other downtrodden Midlands town aside from the fact that it has a college, a zoo, a castle, a library, an art gallery, a world-class museum, extensive canals and limestone caves and a selection of genuinely fine pubs. I dunno how Dudley council lets all of this potential go to waste. What are they spending money on? Fags and Tizer?

We're not actually living in the house yet as it's barely livable-in but give it a few days and it may actually come to resemble somewhere where humans might make their dwelling. I might even take some photos if anyone gives a shit.

Aside from the horrendous mess, there's very little to complain about. When we started the house-hunting I had a pipe-dream that I'd like to live in a Victorian terraced house in Dudley...which is precisely what we've ended up with. I think I was very much inspired by my friends Richard and Stewart who used to live in a reasonably huge Victorian terrace in Wednesbury. I spent a lot of time there and (batshit crazy she-bitch notwithstanding) always felt really comfortable when I visited. I even lived there for about ten days during the horror of 'Wrestlefest IV: Children Of The Reich'.

There's something very private about such a place. The size of the place guarantees solitude, the thickness of the walls guarantee quiet and the fact that you can only have windows on two sides of the house guarantee privacy. Yeah, I know I'm a Morlock.

I'm looking forward to actually beginning a real life.

Every so often I come across a mention on metafilter sites of The Day My Arse Died and it fills me (strangely enough) with such a warm feeling inside and reminds me of why I used to do this blogging thang. Most surprisingly, given the rabidly vicious nature of the average internet user/cunt, most of the comments left on these sites are positive. In the main people find it to be an inspirational story of what can happen when a silly man does a stupid thing. Explains the popularity of Jackass I suppose.

It's only the second time that I've posted something which took on a life outside of my Friends' list, the other being the Cardone incident which attracted a fair amount of criticism but did the unholy work of pushing "Cardone Fundies" to the top of Google's results whens searched for. For a little while, my post appeared in the top ten of any search just for "Cardone".
I accept in that the latter case I was probably - on balance - in the wrong but even so my revenge was sweet and we all got a chuckle out of it in the end.

That's what counts isn't it? I do a stupid thing. You laugh. The world is a better place.

So long November o vilest of months.
So long to illness.
So long to misery.
So long to not knowing and not going.
So long.

Against all reason we did another adult thing this week, and I'm not talking about using a midget's gaping asshole as a urinal.
We made an offer on a house. Like, to buy it n shit. The only thing you possibly need to know about this house is that the current owner has built a bar in the cellar and put in pub seating! So, while Ruth has been looking at the prices of fridges, sofas and beds I've been on ebay looking at neon signs, pub mirrors, massive movie posters and life-size poseable zombies. Ruth doesn't know about the lifesize poseable zombies yet so let's hope that she doesn't read LJ anymore, huh?

I've also been giving a lot of thought to the general theme. Tiki-Lounge? New Orleans dungeon? Underground Speakeasy? Irish fuckwittery?

The phrase 'Voodoo Lounge' kept going through my head until I recalled that it's the name of a Rolling Stones album and then because I thought about the Rolling Stones I instantly got bone cancer. Fuck the Rolling Stones.

Fuck The Beatles too while we're at it.

And John Lennon.

Scouse hippy twat.

I digress.

Seriously. Fuck the Beatles!

Anyway: Cellar bar! We're gonna party like it's Cinco De Mayo!